Sonic Bastardized (or Sonic OVA Bastardized) is a six-part parody of the Sonic the Hedgehog OVA by SuperPsyguy.
Tired of not having the best voice in the cast of characters, Dr. Robotnik/Eggman makes a robot, which he dubs Hyper Metal Jason (speaking only in Jason Griffith-era Sonic lines), to sabotage Sonic's reputation as having the best voice actor (Ryan Drummond). While all this is happening, Sonic, accompanied by Tails, receive a message from a nameless owl, saying the president has a copy of Tails' visa. They arrive at the President's office to discover Eggman sitting in the president's chair. He then explains that he needs them to disarm a bomb that he planted in the World of Warcraft game (because he was angry that people kept stealing his kills). At first Sonic refused, until Sara (the President's daughter) told him she would show him her "happy dance". After Eggman gets angry at never being able to understand Tails, he gives Tails a translator that he promises is not a bomb (Sonic and Tails are convinced otherwise), and Sonic and Tails set off for Blizzard's mainframe. While they are off, Sara and Eggman are playing a fighting game ( Sara keeps losing, and claims that, Eggman cheated) and ,Sara claims she is board, and wants to go for a drive (in wich, Black Eggman [Robot Eggman] appers) and she and, Eggman are off. While all this is going down, Tails and, Sonic reach the wormhole that transports them to Blizard's mainframe. while they are there they encounter, Black Eggman (who is certenly not, Eggman). They promply hand his ass to him, until he transforms into his winged form. After this they take refuge neer a bridge but are shoot off) and fool, Black Eggman into thinking they have drowned (until, Tails opens a soda). Black Eggman then procedes to trap them in "shit", and Knuckles has to save them. Knuckles then hands, Black Eggman's ass to him, while Tails has to save Sonic from a drowning pit. Unfortunently, Knuckles is traped by, Black Eggman, but, Sonic swoops in to save they day (but not before pointing out the in-correct pallet on, Knuckles' shoes) and the tree proceed to, Blizard's mainframe. When they arive they are greated by Black Eggman (wich is destroyed right after because Eggman's robots let go of Black Eggman). After this they see, Sara and Eggman and Eggman has to explain himself. Sara explains that it is not realy Blizards mainframe (all the while Eggman sinks to the floor) and all of the Sonic crew get ticked at Eggman. Eggman appers to be tryumpant, as he unvails his new creation, Hyper Metal Jason..
Episode 1: Edit
Eggman: So, Sonic thinks he can out-voice-act me, eh? Well not anymore. With this, my plan to replace Sonic's voice with a terrible voice actor will leave me, Dr. Eggman, with the best voice of all. All I need to do now… is find the switch. *glass breaking* No, that isn't it… *cat yowls* Whoops! Sorry, Chester. A-ha! Here it is! Right here!
Metal Jason: (Sega sound effect)
(title card, Stage Complete music)
(floating island, Sonic's residence at the beach)
Tails: (unintelligible blather about his waterjet-powered body board)
Sonic: Tails, I can't understand jack-crap of what you just said.
Tails: (unintelligible blabbing) *runs off to the water*
Sonic: I say that, I say that boy's about as sharp as a bowling ball. *clicks remote*
Radio: Blue streak speeds by! (AoSTH theme)
Sonic: Oh sweet Jesus, no! *clicks remote*
Radio: -- tragic mystery… you could've left me here… ("This Machine," team Dark theme - Sonic Heroes)
Sonic: Oh hey, this is awesome. I wonder who does this song.
Guy: NOT. FUNNY.
(Tails gets on and activates bodyboard, splashing Sonic)
Sonic: Grrr. *Godzilla noise*
Tails: (moar unintelligible blabbing) *rides by Sonic, splashing him again*
Sonic: Urge to kill… rising…
Tails: (showing off skillz on board while STILL blabbing)
Sonic: I wonder how much time I'd get if I killed a child… eh, whatever.
Tails: OH MY GOOOD OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD
(GUNSHOTS, SIREN, MG FIRE)
Sonic: It's probably nothing…
Tails: (screaming, begging Sonic for help, pretty much all of it unintelligible until) I'M GONNA START QUOTING "THAT'S MY SONIC" UNLESS YOU HELP MEEE!!!!
Sonic: SHUT THE F**K UP TAILS!!! *stares*
Tails: WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! *falls in water*
Nameless Owl: Weeeheheheeee!! *narrowly misses Sonic on the beach, flies upwards*
Tails: *flies in* Oh no, Sonic's dead! I never told him I wanted to suck h-- Sonic! You're alive!
Sonic: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. So, what's going on?
Nameless Owl: Sonic, would it be too much of an inconvenience if you could possibly save me? My engine has erupted in a wave of flames and I fear it may explode! No rush, take your time!
Sonic: Aw, not that old man again...
Tails: (something about helping the nameless owl)
Sonic: Sheesh! When you come into our country, you need to learn the language!
Tails: Why you gawdamn MOTHERF***ER!! *flies off*
Sonic: Gawdamn Mexicans…
Tails: (insert foreign language here) "Sonic I am quite upset! I'm leaving you forever!"
Nameless Owl: I really wish I would've installed wheels on this thing-- Oh! Tails! I have your Visa in the trunk of my plane! Let me just get that for you!
Tails: But yo engine expwoded! Fiahbawls!!
Nameless Owl: … YOU MEAN THAT WASN'T THE TRUNK?! Oh dear…
Tails: Maybe I can get my Visa before anything explodes-- *plane backfires, throwing Tails backwards* Looks like it's back ta Cuba fo me!
(reused footage with Crazy Frog blabbering)
Tails: *lands on wing to stabilize plane* Wa-chow!
Nameless Owl: Oh thank you, Tails; are you going to save me?
Tails: Nah I probably won't, ****.
Nameless Owl: LOLOLOLO-- wait, what??
Tails: Giant wall!!!
Tails: (gibberish pointing at wall)
Owl: Lies! Lies and slander! *adjust glasses* Oh shiiiii…
Tails: (echoing gibberish)
Sonic: Badass music time, GO!!
(Sonic Riders theme while Sonic achieves Ludicrous Speed and saves Tails and the nameless owl)
Nameless Owl: It's a good thing you were there, Mr. Sonic. That whole running sequence took about a minute. I don't know why Tails or I didn't jump out since we had a whole minute to sit there and contemplate our imminent demise, but hey, whatever!
Sonic: Stupid, stupid, stupid… *places crab by owl, which pinches him*
Owl: OUCH!! Please deposit one coin to continue.
Sonic: You need to work on your reaction time there, tub-o.
Nameless Owl: Well it's a good thing Sonic took his sweet-ass time, you know, trying to rescue me, it's not like I was on fire, hey I'm still on fire, I'm gonna work this out. Ah, you know I remember this one time I was set on fire in college, though I got set on fire all the time, you know, I was kinda like the loner of the group, but then I got all the ladies. It was great! HA HA HA! AHAHAHAHA!!
Tails: Why're you here anyway??
Nameless Owl: Oh yes, of course. You see the President has your Visa… *rushes to the side* And then I brought it over so I could give it to you now! But it was in the plane… oopsie…
Sonic and Tails: (anime fall)
Kirb?: Ha you see, you see they fell down. That is so… SO funny over here in Japan!
(repeating falling footage, laugh track with insane nurse)
Sonic: We could just go get a copy of Tails's Visa at the President's house.
Nameless Owl: Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant!
Sonic: You could've just called for this… you know… maybe…
Nameless Owl: Ohhh… right… a phone… uh…
Sonic: Or, or an email…
Nameless Owl: Yeah, but…
Sonic: You're over 2,000 miles away and you decided to fly over to tell us a simple, three-minute conversation.
Nameless Owl: Yeah, I just wanted to see you, Sonic.
Sonic: Maybe a postcard…
Nameless Owl: I just wanted to see you!
Sonic: How about a singing telegram? Those are always nice.
Nameless Owl: I LOVE YOU SONIC!!
(game over music plays, then Sonic & Tails in the Tornado preparing to take off)
Sonic: Okay, we'll you see you later, forever! Don't let the place burn down while we're gone!
Nameless Owl: Of course! You can count on me!
Sonic: Heheh, heheheh, we're so f***ked.
Tails: Oh yeah! *fails to start plane twice, then it cranks, they take off* Sonic, you can't ride on that! The wind and (turbulence?) will blow you off!
Sonic: Hey, it's either that or having to deal with coach.
Tails: Oh yeah, good point.
Nameless Owl: Be safe, kids!
(transition to President's house, "Oh Canada" playing)
Sonic: Mr. President, do you have a copy of Tails's Visa?
Eggman: *spins around chair laughing evilly* Welcome, Sonic!
Tails: Oh what the hell?! I didn't vote for YOU! Gawdamn Edd 'n' Chad…
Eggman: This is usually the part where I go on and on about my evil scheme… because I am the Eggman… and they are the Eggmen… and I am the walrus, koo koo kachoo. But… er, eh… you know what? Shoot 'em.
(Robots aim and shoot at Sonic and Tails, who avoid and destroy them easily)
Sonic: My turn! *goes for Eggman*
President: Sonic! Didn't you notice me and my daughter tied up?! I mean we're right here!! It's not like we blended in the background or anything!
Sonic: Oh, so you are! Heheh, heh, oops.
Tails: No fair! You kidnapped the Pwesident and Sawah so you could hold 'em for wansom and take over South Iswand, didn't you?!
Tails: And then you were plannin' on usin' the ransom money to get a delicious cake factory full of evil cakes, and your evil cakes would all then merge into one final cake, the Cake-a-tron! When he would rain the delightful(?) death on all the children of the world, and then he would gain power, join forces with Dr. Wily, Dr. Evil, Dr. Dwayne(?) and make the worst gawdamn sprite comic on the entire internet ever!
Eggman: Hahahaha!! Close!! *bounces out of chair… somehow… fat bastard* That's SO funny! It almost describes me perfectly! If I were to think of one word to describe me… what would it be??
Robots: (in unison) FAT!!
Eggman: (anime fall)
(laugh track and insane nurse again)
Eggman: You know, we're getting awfully close to the time limit mark on YouTube! I sure hope it doesn't cut out before I explain my eviiil plan! *cut footage* No! NO!! NO NO NO NO NO !!!
Sarah: I didn't even get a line!
(credits, "Look Alike" playing)
Splinter?: What the hell? I'm not even in this series, why am I singing this song? Oh whatever. I'm here. I don't get paid for this. It's out of the charity of my own good heart. Charity of my heart. This song, let's see. *singing along with song* Doopy doopy doopy doop… The lyrics to the song make absolutely no sense whatsoever… *continues singing lyrics but sings a line too soon* I fucked up…
Episode 2: Edit
Eggman: How would you describe me?
Robots: (in unison) Fat!
(Eggman anime falls, TAKE 2)
Eggman: How would you describe me?
Robots: (in unison) Obese!
(Eggman anime falls, TAKE 3)
Eggman: How would you describe me?
Gordon Ramsey: Oh *bleep* you, you fat useless sack of *bleep* yankee dankee doodle *bleep* *bleep*.
Eggman: *anime falls* Yes chef. Sorry chef.
(title card, Stage Complete music)
Eggman: Okay. Where was I? Ugh, I can't remember. It's always such a pain in the ass to remember your lines. Oh yes! I'm evil and you should listen to me! Uh, I guess you respond negatively in an angry tone now?
Sonic: Screw off, Eggman!
Eggman: There we go! *grabs Sarah* Ahem, I'm evil and I have this cat-girl-thing… um… I'm not sure what she is… but she's hot! And if you don't do what I want, I'll show her pictures of me in a Speedo!
Sarah: Sweet Jesus, no!
President: You're a sick, twisted man!
Eggman: Thank you!
President: Sonic, listen to what he has to say! I personally enjoy having a daughter that has eyesight!
Sonic: Okay, just as long as we don't have to hear stories about Eggman in a Speedo anymore.
(clip of people screaming on amusement park ride)
Eggman: As you both well know, I play on the office server in World of Warcraft.
Psy?: Pansy-ass blood elf!
Eggman: Shut up! Blood elves are cool… anyways, I was there minding my own business trying to level, when some random jerk came by and started stealing my kills. I tried to talk with him reasonably...
Eggman (in WoW): You stupid jerk! You're taking my kill! I can't get my fat loots with you taking my kill!
Eggman: He responded in a very proper and well-thought-out tone.
Eggman: After realizing my efforts to try and reason with him were pointless, I did the only thing any reasonable human would do.
Eggman (in WoW): *crying* It's not fair! *sniff* It's just not fair!
Eggman: So, I thought of a plan to help illustrate my point.
Eggman (in WoW): I'LL PLANT A BOMB IN BLIZZARD'S MAINFRAME!!
Eggman: That… made them… kind of mad...
(Black Eggman robot, Doomsday Zone music)
Eggman: But it was too late! My bomb was out of control. After my rage subsided, I realized the error of my ways and calmly resorted to telling everyone in-game
Eggman (in WoW): WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIEE!!!
Eggman: If we don't do something about this, Blizzard will explode, and we'll lose all our level 70s! And fat loots! And, and-- eh?
Eggman: Rrrgh, fine! Don't blame me when this happens! *stabs world model, which pops in his face*
(TAKE 2, Hiroshima atom bomb sequence with dramatic music cutting to the world model popping in Eggman's face again)
Eggman: Hey, 4chan. Let's post pictures of furries. That's a good idea! *world model pops in his face again*
President: Please Eggman, I don't want to lose my fat loots!
Eggman: There's only one thing to do. Someone, and this could be anybody here, someone has got to get through Blizzard's rage-filled robot and disarm the bomb I planted. And by someone, I mean anyone. They just have to be super-fast blue and a hedgehog. But it could be anybody! Really! *points at Sonic* Wink wink? Nudge nudge? Amiright?
Sonic: Gee, I wonder if he wants me to do it? Forget it Eggman. You can't get revenge by planting a bomb inside of a company, and you can't sweep it under the rug by having me fix it for you. Let it blow up. WoW's for basement-dwelling losers anyway.
(cut to Psyguy playing WoW)
Kirb?: So, uh, Psy, whatcha doing?
Psy: Eh, just gonna play WoW for countless hours while being on Skype.
(Kirb leaves session)
Psy: Did he just leave?
Woman: I think so.
Psy: That gawddamn ass--
(cut back to President's office)
President: No Sonic! I have a level 70 pally on WoW and I worked hard on leveling when I should've been running the country!
Sarah: *runs up* Sonic, I'm on that game too! I don't wanna lose all my hard work! Don't you want to see me do my happy little night elf dance just for you?
Sonic: *wide eyed, jumps off desk* Sold! Show me the dance!
Tails: You have to save it first Sonic! I need attention!
Eggman: Tails, I can't take it anymore! Here, wear this!
Tails: (sounds more intelligible) Hey, what's this?? Whoa, my voice…
Eggman: It's a voice modulator, and definitely not a bomb. It'll make it so you're actually understood in this Godforsaken movie! … and not a bomb.
Sonic: Sounds good, let's go!
(Tails nods, they speed off, cut to flying the Tornado)
Sonic: It's probably a bomb.
Tails: Yeah, probably.
(Sarah and Eggman playing a fighting game, Eggman wins)
Sarah: No no no no no! Cheater! Cheater! Hacks! Hacks, I say! Hacks! (calmly) Okay, one more.
Eggman: Cheat? I never cheat! This is ridiculous!
Sarah: I'll tell everyone you like Maplestory more.
Eggman: Fire it up again.
(cut back to Tornado)
Sonic: Did you remember to bring chili dogs for lunch?
(Sarah and Eggman playing again, Eggman wins again)
Sarah: No no no! You keep like, like, like cheating! That-- agh!
Sarah: I'm bored. I wanna go for a drive.
Eggman: Eat my shorts!
Sarah: No! No! No! I want to! Take me on a drive NOW!!
(Black Eggman robot crashes into the wall and opens up)
President: WHAT IN THE SHIT-- uhh *cough* I mean what is this?
Sarah: Oh awesome, I'm in! Whee! *jumps into control seat*
Eggman: Hehehe… *jumps in after her*
Sarah: *imitating Deedee, pressing all the buttons* Ooooh, what does this button dooo?
Eggman: *imitating Dexter, groping Sarah* Do not push the button! No, DeeDee, no! You'll kill us all you crazy wench! Mooooom!!!
President: No! No, you can't leave on a Dexter's Laboratory chunk! That's just bad kharma!!
(cut back to Tornado)
Tails: *imitating airline pilot* This is your pilot speakingaaaa… the current time is 3:45, the temperature is balmy and 78 degrees ooouuuut… We will be landing shortly and thank you for choosing Tails' Airlinesaaa…
Sonic: Tails, shut up. Look! A giant gaping hole in the air! That's normal… right?
Family Feud host: Survey says… *buzzer*
Tails: Sonic, this might be a good time to get in your seat.
Sonic: Ah I'll be fine. *barely holding onto the wing as Tails dives* Maybe not I regret nothiiiiiing aaaaaahhhh it's aaaalll buenooooooo...
Tails: (singing to Spider-pig) Spider-hog, spider-hog, does whatever a spider-hog does. Can he hold, from the plane? Sh** he can't. 'cause he's the spider-hoooog.
(Tornado crashing with Goofy's yell)
Sonic: Tails? Tails! Oh my God! Did my lunch survive?
Tails: I hate you so much, Sonic.
Sonic: *looks at landscape* So this is Blizzard's headquarters!
Tails: For something this amazing, we need some badass music!
Sonic: Heck yeah!
(Sonic and Tails run through the zone, get attacked by badniks)
Sonic: Tails, did you check the map before we left?
Tails: Yeah, Sonic, let me check Google Maps-- uh oh. Sonic, look out for the warp zone!
(run into the warp zone, Sonic 2 Special Stage music plays, buzzer, they exit)
Sonic: Nope, part of zone. We would've made it to the end if you wouldn't constantly run into things.
Tails: Sorry, they're just so shiny! This is kinda like New York, you know, where 4Kids records their voices.
Sonic: Do you think this is an elaborate plot by 4Kids to copy my voice DNA and make a clone for their own evil purposes?
Sonic: Hey Tails, what does the scouter say about New York's power level?
Tails: Told you we're not doing that gawdamn joke.
Sonic: Oh come on! It's such a good joke!
Tails: No, no it's not, it's dead, like your career in video games. Dead, Sonic. Dead!
Dr. Evil: Oh snap!
(lightning strikes, Tails freaks out)
Tails: *screams, grabs Sonic* I'm scared of lightning!!
Sonic: Ah, that's okay, Tails… you uh, you can let go now… any time…
Tails: But I feel safe here… attached to your body…
Music Credits Edit
Episode 1: Edit
Episode 2: Edit
"Navras" - Juno Reactor
"E.G.G.M.A.N." - Crush 40
"Chun Li's Stage"
"Take On Me" - A-ha
"Special Stage" - Sonic 2
"Town Mission 3"
"Soft Museum - Suburban Museum"