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Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged Episode 1: Pilot/Transcript

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Cast (in order of appearance): Yami, Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Kaiba, Téa, Grandpa, Mokuba, Pegasus

Date: July 13, 2006

Running Time: 3:55

Episode Title: Pilot

Transcript Edit

(Intro)

YAMI: Yu-Gi-Oh! was filmed before a live studio audience.

(School)

YUGI: Hey Joey! Earth to Joey! Hey, are you in there? It's your move!

JOEY: Sorry Yug, doing this Brooklyn accent makes it difficult to concentrate on card games.

TRISTAN I know what you mean, my voice is pretty crazy too! I'm thinking about changing it.

YUGI: By the way, my grandpa has a super rare card.

TRISTAN: Groovy!

JOEY: Hey, bada-bing!

KAIBA: (thinking) Rare card? That sounds vague enough to be the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. And since I'm a child billionaire in charge of a huge gaming company, I obviously have nothing better to do than go check it out.

(Intro; Redux only)

(Game shop)

YUGI: Hey Gramps, can we please see your super-rare-awesome-chocolaty-fudge-coated-mega-super-card?

GRANDPA I don't see why not. Here it is, the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. (holds up the card)

JOEY: That's the least threatening name for a monster I've ever heard. What kind of mook could want a card like that?

KAIBA: (pushes the others aside) I'm here for your Blue-Eyes old man, and I won't take "no" for an answer! Now, give it to me!

GRANDPA: No!

KAIBA: Curses, foiled again! I'm going to go hire some thugs to kidnap you now. I'm a billionaire, so nobody will even think about pressing charges. (leaves)

GRANDPA: That Kaiba kid needs to get laid.

TRISTAN: Big time!

(Later)

YUGI: (on the phone) Hello, Game shop!

KAIBA: (on the phone) I kidnapped your grandpa, Yugi, and then I dueled him into submission. So could you get over here and call an ambulance for him? I have far too much money to be expected to do it myself. (hangs up)

YUGI: Wait, who is this?

(Kaiba's Duel Arena)

YUGI: (runs over to injured Grandpa) Grandpa! Are you okay?

GRANDPA: For some reason, playing a card game has caused me to become severely injured.

KAIBA: That's right! And now, watch this! (tears Blue-Eyes card in half)

YUGI: Grandpa's special super-rare-awesome-super-card!

JOEY: What the heck did you do that for?

KAIBA: So that it could never be used against me!!!

YUGI: In that case, why not just tear up every card in the whole world?

KAIBA: (quickly) Shut up and duel me!

YUGI: Don't worry Gramps, I'll win this duel with your deck!

GRANDPA: W-Wait a minute! I've been injured, so you're going to steal my deck and go play cards with your arch rival?

YUGI: (takes Grandpa's deck) Pretty much.

GRANDPA: No wonder your parents are never around!

TÉA: (holding a marker) Gather round everyone, and I'll mark us with a special sign! (draws a smiley face on her, Yugi's, Joey's, and Tristan's hands)

JOEY: Uh, Téa, hey not for nothing but...ain't this permanent marker?

TÉA: Oh... Whoops!

JOEY: Why were you even carrying that thing around in the first place?

TÉA: I'm a kleptomaniac, I stole it from school.

TRISTAN: Hey, my wallet's missing!

TÉA: (points to Kaiba) Kaiba took it!

YAMI: It's time to duel!

KAIBA: Wait, did your testicles just drop in the last five seconds or something? What the heck happened to your voice?

(A hologram of Hitotsu-Me Giant appears)

YAMI: Holy Ra, real monsters!

KAIBA: Actually, they're just super-advanced holograms created for the sole purpose of enriching the experience of a children's card game!

YAMI: Okay, seriously, you've got to be [bleep]ing kidding me. Who wastes all their money on something like that?

KAIBA: The guy who's going to beat your pasty pharaoh butt with three Blue-Eyes White Dragons, that's who! (summons three Blue-Eyes White Dragons)

YAMI: Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?

KAIBA: Yeah, so?

YAMI: That's against the rules, isn't it?

KAIBA: Screw the rules, I have money! Now draw your last pathetic card, Yugi, so I can finish you!

YAMI: My Grandpa's deck has no pathetic cards, Kaiba. Except maybe for Kuriboh... but it also has this! (holds up Exodia the Forbidden One card) The unstoppable Exodia!

KAIBA: Aah! Exodia! It's not possible! Nobody's ever been able to summon him!

YAMI: Really? Is that because it's so rare?

KAIBA: No, it's because this game makes no sense. Nobody can figure out how to do it.

YAMI: Nobody except me! Exodia, obliterate!

(Exodia destroys Blue-Eyes White Dragons)

MOKUBA: Big brother, is it time for my cameo yet?

KAIBA: How... How could you summon Exodia?

YAMI: Kaiba, if you really wish to know...then talk to the hand! (mind-crushes Kaiba)

KAIBA: Aaaaahhh! (faints)

(Hospital)

GRANDPA: (wakes up) I wet myself.

(Pegasus's Castle)

HENCHMAN: Mr. Pegasus, sir, it seems the reigning Duel Monsters champion has been defeated by someone named Yugi. Also, it's time for your sponge bath.

PEGASUS: Mmm...

(End; Redux version only)

["I'm Back!" (Kaiba Theme)]

[ever feel like you're experiencing deja vu?]

[well at least I didn't make greedo shoot first]

(Stinger)

YUGI: (with Master Shake's voice) Hey hey, fun time! Goofin' off Martian style, wakka wakka!

(The following is Redux version only)

YAMI: Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?

KAIBA: Yeah, so?

YAMI: That's against the rules, isn't it?

KAIBA: Yes it is. (giggles)

(From this point on its the ebonics translated version)

Yo (Intro)

YAMI: Yu-Gi-awww! wuz filmed 'bfoe uh live studio audience.

(skoo)

YUGI: werd up Joey! Earf ta Joey! werd up, is you in dere? It's yo' move!

JOEY: Sorry Yug, doin' dis here Brooklyn accent makes it difficult ta concentrate on card games.

TRISTAN: ah know what you mean, muh motha fuckin voice iz fine ass madness too! ah'm thinkin` 'boutchanging it.

YUGI: By da way, muh motha fuckin gramps has uh super rare card.

TRISTAN: Groovy!

JOEY: werd up, bada-bing!

KAIBA: (thinkin`) Rare card? dat sounds vague enough ta be da Blue-peeps whitey Dragon. an' since ah'm uh child billionaire in charge o' uh huge gaming company, ah obviously gots nuttin' bettah ta do than go check it out.

(Game shop)

YUGI: werd up Gramps, can we's please see yo' super-rare-phat-chocolaty-fudge-coated-mega-super-card?

GRAMPS: ah don' see why not. Here it iz, da Blue-peeps whitey Dragon. (holds up da card)

JOEY: dat's da least threatening name fo' uh monster ah've ever heard. What kind o' mook could wants uh card like dat?

KAIBA: (pushes da others aside) ah'm here fo' yo' Blue-peeps old nigga, an' ah won't take "nahh" fo' an answer! Now, give it ta me!

gramps: nahh!

KAIBA: Curses, foiled ag'in! ah'm going ta go hire some thugs ta kidnap you now. ah'm uh billionaire, so nobody will even think 'boutpressing charges. (leaves)

gramps: dat Kaiba kid needs ta git laid.

TRISTAN: Big tyme!

(Later)

YUGI: (on da phone) yo, Game shop!

KAIBA: (on da phone) ah kidnapped yo' gramps, Yugi, an' then ah dueled him into submission. So could you git ova here an' page an ambalance fo' him? ah gots far too much money ta be expected ta do it myself. (hangs up)

YUGI: Wait, who iz dis here?

(Kaiba's Duel Arena)

YUGI: (runs ova ta injured gramps) gramps! is you okay?

gramps: fo' some reason, playing uh card game has caused me ta become severely injured.

KAIBA: dat's right! an' now, watch dis here! (tears Blue-peeps card in half)

YUGI: gramps's special super-rare-phat-super-card!

JOEY: What da heck did you do dat fo'?

KAIBA: So dat it could never be used against me!!!

YUGI: In dat case, why not just tear up every card in da whole world?

KAIBA: (quickly) Shut up an' duel me!

YUGI: don' trip Gramps, ah'll win dis here duel wif yo' deck!

gramps: W-Wait uh minute! ah've been injured, so you going ta jack muh motha fuckin deck an' go play cards wif yo' arch rival?

YUGI: (takes gramps's deck) fine ass much.

gramps: nahh wonder yo' parents is never around!

TÉA: (holding uh marker) Gather round brothas, an' ah'll mark us wif uh special sign! (draws uh smiley face on her, Yugi's, Joey's, an' Tristan's hands)

JOEY: Uh, Téa, werd up not fo' nuttin' but...ain't dis here permanent marker?

TÉA: awww... Whoops!

JOEY: Why wuz you even carrying dat thin` around in da first place?

TÉA: ah'm uh kleptomaniac, ah jacked it from skoo.

TRISTAN: werd up, muh motha fuckin wallet's missing!

TÉA: (points ta Kaiba) Kaiba took it!

YAMI: It's tyme ta duel!

KAIBA: Wait, did yo' testicles just drop in da last five seconds or somethin`? What da heck happened ta yo' voice?

(uh hologram o' Hitotsu-Me Giant appears)

YAMI: Holy Ra, real monsters!

KAIBA: Actually, dey're just super-advanced holograms created fo' da sole purpose o' enriching da experience o' uh chil'ns's card game!

YAMI: Okay, seriously, you've gots ta be [bleep]ing kidding me. Who wastes all they money on somethin` like dat?

KAIBA: da nigga who's going ta beat yo' pasty pharaoh booty wif three Blue-peeps whitey Dragons, dat's who! (summons three Blue-peeps whitey Dragons)

YAMI: Wait uh minute, did you just summon uh bunch o' monsters in one turn?

KAIBA: Yeah, so?

YAMI: dat's against da rules, ain't it?

KAIBA: Screw da rules, ah gots money! Now draw yo' last pathetic card, Yugi, so ah can finish you!

YAMI: muh motha fuckin gramps's deck has nahh pathetic cards, Kaiba. Except maybe fo' Kuriboh... but it also has dis here! (holds up Exodia da Forbidden One card) da unstoppable Exodia!

KAIBA: Aah! Exodia! It's not possible! Nobody's ever been able ta summon him!

YAMI: Really? iz dat cuz it's so rare?

KAIBA: nahh, it's cuz dis here game makes nahh sense. Nobody can figure out how ta do it.

YAMI: Nobody except me! Exodia, obliterate!

(Exodia destroys Blue-peeps whitey Dragons)

MOKUBA: Big brudda, iz it tyme fo' muh motha fuckin cameo yet?

KAIBA: How... How could you summon Exodia?

YAMI: Kaiba, if you really wish ta know...then jive ta da hand! (mind-crushes Kaiba)

KAIBA: Aaaaahhh! (faints)

(Hospital)

gramps: (wakes up) ah wet myself.

(Pegasus's Castle)

HENCHMAN: Mr. Pegasus, nigga, it seems da reigning Duel Monsters champion has been defeated by someone named Yugi. Also, it's tyme fo' yo' sponge baf.

PEGASUS: Mmm...

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