Cast (In order of appearance): Jaden, Cyrus, Narrator, Chumley’s Dad, Banner, Chumley, Sheppard
Jaden: Man it feels so relaxing to skip class. It’s not like I need to learn anything. I win all my duels anyway.
Cyrus: HEEEEEYYYYYY, Jaden!
Jaden: Oh God! What do you want?!
Cyrus: (panting) Jaden, you gotta hear this! Chumleys dad is here and he says he wants to take him away from Duel Academy!
Jaden: Um, question. Why should we care?
Cyrus: ‘Cause he’s our friend… ‘Cause he’s old enough to buy us a copy of “Jugs”… ‘Cause one day he’s gonna join Industrial Illusions and give you a card that helps you win a duel… ‘Cause I’ll kick your ass if you don’t!
Jaden: Good point Cyrus! Come on, let’s go save Chumley!
Narrator: Meanwhile in the- ah. You know what? I’m sick of this. It’s a toolshed. We get it. I’m outta here. I’m not doing this anymore! I’m going back to my wife and kids! I’m going home!
Jaden: Alright guys, back away, main characters coming through.
Chumley’s Dad: Ha ha ha!
Jaden: Wow, eavesdropping is cool!
Cyrus: Yeah, it’s almost as fun as stealing mail!
Jaden: Just chill it, homey.
Cyrus: Jaden, stop talking like that.
Jaden: But I-
Jaden: But I-
Jaden: But I just-
Cyrus: Shut up.
Chumley’s Dad: So to summarize, I want my son to come back to the family business with his father.
Banner: I see. And why would this be?
Chumley’s Dad: We’ll talk about that later. Say, are you a drinker?
Banner: Um.. only on-
Chumley’s Dad: (cutting Banner off)Have you ever heard of a game called nuts on the table?
Banner: Uh… I don’t bel-
Chumley’s Dad: (pulls out giant liquor bottle) Then we’re gonna have fun tonight.
Jaden: Hey Chumley, are you okay? I heard you that- Hey why are you packing?
Jaden: Oh don’t tell me you’re actually cry- Oh my God, you girl. Why don’t you just look the other way. Maybe we should take this up with the Chancellor
Cyrus: After 25 minutes of pointless bickering.
Jaden: And that’s why Chumley can’t leave. His character hasn’t developed enough for us to give a crap about him.
Chumley’s Dad: Well I haven’t heard him complain once. Isn’t that right Chumley?
Chumly: (more sobbing)
Chumley's Dad: Ya see!?
Jaden: Come on Chancellor, that’s not fair.
Shepard: I’m sorry Jaden, but unless Chumley says no, there is nothing I can do.
Jaden: Well, what if- um… What’s that Chumley? You wanna duel your dad and if you win you’ll stay?
Cyrus: Jaden, I can’t believe you just set that up.
Jaden: Oh come on. Chumley will do just fine.
Banner: Oh, I wouldn’t know about that.
Jaden: Reaction Shot?
Banner: Chumley’s father has been the state champion three years in a row.
Jaden: Ah ha ha ha ha. Oh, dude I am so sorry. I have totally screwed you over. But good luck anyway.
Cyrus: Later that night a- wait, Jaden why am I doing this again?
Jaden: Because the guy frickin’ walked out on us. Alright?
Banner: And so I told my mother, “I’m going out. I’m 43” I said. “Too old to be living with you” and I left.
Chumley’s Dad: Christ! You only had one drink! Anyway, nuts on the table!
Banner: Okay. So I put my nuts on the table. Now what happens?
Chumley’s Dad: Now I do this! (Sickening smacking noise)
Banner: Oh ho! Sweet mother of Nazareth!
Chumley’s Dad: Haha! You passed out. You gotta take a drink! ...Ba-Banner? Oh. I’m going out for a drink.
Jaden: King me.
Cyrus: Jaden, we’re playing Yahtzee.
Jaden: Oh. Well I wanna buy may fare.
Cyrus: What the hell are you talking about!?
Jaden: Go Fish.
Cyrus: Did you get a concussion while no one was looking!? By the way Chumley, could you stop leaving your cards around the Toolshed?
Jaden: Yeah! If you can clean your plate up you can clean up this room you messy bastard!
Chumley’s Dad: Wow, Banner, I’m surprised you’re still standing after last night.
Banner: (high pitched) Yes, well-(clears throat. Voice returns to normal) Yes well I know never to get drunk with you ever again.
Chumley’s Dad: Funny, I recall Chumley’s Mom once saying that. Hahahaha!
Banner: Let the duel begin.
Chumley’s Dad: Chumley, you’re such a disappointment. I still can’t believe you come from my loins. Your mother, God rest her soul, died shortly after giving birth to your fat ass. What would she think if she saw you now, a failed fat duelist, with an obsession of grilled cheese sandwiches!? You are no son of mine!
Chumley: Screw you dad!
Jaden: What the FUU(explosion) Cyrus did you see that? Did ya see that? Chumley TALKED!! Did ya see that? Did ya, did ya, did ya?
Cyrus: Uh, hi.
Jaden: Is it uncomfortable when I’m this close to you?
Cyrus: Jaden, get the hell away from me.
Jaden: What if I kiss you? (Punching noise) Oh! Crossing a line. Got it.
Chumley: (still sounds stupid) Dad, what you don’t realize is I’ve made so many great friends here, who will always back me up and help me when I’m down.
Jaden & Cyrus: (snickering)
Cyrus: That voice is so stupid!
Chumley’s Dad: Wow. You know Chumley? After seeing your friends support you and imitate famous internet references, I now see you are a true duelist and a true man. I acknowledge you as my son.
Chumley: Does that mean you’ll let me win?
Chumley’s Dand: Aha ha hahahahaha. No.
Jaden: Why do all duels end with an explosion Cyrus?
Cyrus: Why do you insist on getting so close to me?!
Jaden: Oh, my pancreas!
Cyrus: Take that ya frickin’ loony!! And so after an incredibly pointless duel, Chumley’s dad got wasted, completely forgot why he came to Duel Academy in the first place and left, leaving Chumley with nothing but the bill to all the wine he’d ordered. And what happened to me and my friends? Well-
Jaden: Cyrus, what the hell are you doing?
Cyrus: I’m monologuing!
Jaden: Why are you monologuing?
Cyrus: F*ck you, that’s why!
Jaden: Thanks for the drinks Professor Banner. You’re awesome!
Banner: It is a pleasure Jaden.
Jaden: Hey, do you know any drinking games?
Banner: Hmm. Have you ever heard of “nuts on the table?”
Jaden: Uh… I don’t think so.
Banner: Oh, then this is going to be a lot of fun.